Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Matrimonial Woes

Bharat Matrimony , one of the biggest matrimonial services provider on the web.Claims itself to be a matrimonial platform, and boasts of some 7 lakh success stories- I mean married and happily ever after couples!There are umpteen number of testimonials from happy users.For sure, one tends to get carried away on seeing the testimonails there...but wats to be remembered is that its only a tool which facilitates the entire process of finding a suitable match. And this tool wud work wonders only if its used the right way.

But the whole process looses its significance, the trust and becomes shaky when people lie in their profiles.I even had one of my college friend who used to put up fake profiles, however she stopped it after we gave her some severe warning.And its all the more frustrating when ppl dont even take the pains to read thru ones profile and then send requests.

One of my friend "S" got a proposal from a guy. And the guy mentioned, "if you like me, you keep me, else forward me to your other friends'.Obviously he talks about his profile, but what does he think? It sounds as if he gets my friend do a broker job by passing it along to others

One of my other friend "S", gets interest mailers from guys much younger to her,. Comeon, cant they even take some time to check up the profile and other details and then send the mail?

This was just one case. There is one more to add to the woes. There came a mail from the prospective boy's father stating some general details about the boy, his family and that elderly person had even mentioned like " we wish to see you as the bahu ( meaning daughter in law) of our house."Any girl would get carried away on seeing this. The guy was working for one of the top notch companies and was a green card holder. They planned to come down to see her in January. My friend was all excited, but, they never came. And the same elderly person who sent a mail earlier, again sent a mail saying, my son has resigned his job from the US,and he is not in a mood to discuss marriage now. Wont this shatter her? Oh pls for god's sake, Why should one commit or sound so nice and sugary even before things take a shape?

Another friend "K", got one such matrimonial proposal from a guy who is a doctor in UK.They exchanged snaps, liked each other and decided to meet sometime when the guy would come to India.His profile stated he was 5'9" in height. "K" is 5'7".They met soon, and "K" was in for a shock, this guy could not even have been 5'5".Now, why did he conceal such an important information? Isnt one''s height one of the most important criteria in a matrimonial search? It pissed her off enough.

I do understand that some parents are so anxious/ eager as to not let go off the suitable match . But whats the point of lying in one's profile? Such a person would never be able to win any trust . cos lying in your profile is like taking the other person for granted even before you have met him or her.

Why cant people be simple and straight forward and easen out the already tiresome process of signing up to the service, paying some bucks for the service, putting up your photos, tracking suitable profiles, sending interest mailers etc etc?The already existing process of finding a match itself is tedious, and to add to the fuel, why lie or conceal important information and make things worse?All this is done due to fear of rejection.. then why lie at all?I am sure everyone would want the search to end sooner. So why not be simple, forthright and straight forward? It would help one in finding "The Partner" pretty soon, much before they get worn out.


Clueless said...

hey true incidents, I too know of these things. one of my cousin has also registered and is actually suffering cos of false mailers. wat to do? people have to realise that lying wont help

Clueless said...

I hate such service providers, Why at all cnat they check the genuinty of the members? Its LIFE man, may innocent people are taken for a ride

Narayanan said...

I havent registered in such a matrimonial site, am just curious if it gives out your contact details without the concerned person's consent ?

Assuming it does'nt, just ignore false mailers. Its almost the same way you ignore BS forwards.

I do agree on you concern of posting false information.

Oh pls for god's sake, Why should one commit or sound so nice and sugary even before things take a shape?

I have a question, why shud the girl build dreams on something that has'nt taken shape (I mean without even coming and seeing in person and formal engagement etc.) ?

In the third case, I really dont understand why someone shud post a false height :-/ There obviously are lot of girls who are less than 5' 5". OTOH is height THE most important criteria. My mom is almost 2-3 inches taller than my dad, I dont remember them having any problems about the height factor as far as i can remember.

No matter whatever be the medium, there is always chances of finding someone who has false info on their profile.

I somehow dont agree of giving photos on public, somehow feel it gives opportunity for some foul play.

But no matter how straight-forward or "straight forward" people are, it is a process that has to be painstakingly slow unless otherwise you are prepared to get caught in a trap :-p. I think that fear gives the drive.

ss said...

@ narayanan
1. it doesnt give out contact details without permission
2.there r only a very hew mailers which wen opened wud u knw r false. butt he rest u come to knw only later, infact much later. isee my frnd doin this job each n every day. all profiles look nice, ppl rite such nice things in their profile, they talk to each other for a while, may b even 5 months, then something happens n it goes off.its a matrimonial site . dating is OK, but it shud end in some solid commitment.

ss said...

@ narayanan - (CONTD)
3.abt the height- i dont find any reason to fake ur height details.wen suitable proposals r considered, i guess age, height r of important concern apart from ur professional qualifications.its ncie that ur parents dint have a big issue on that. but theriyala, i do see many ppl being pretty concerned abt it.

4.as far as i knw, u cant do much in finding out abt the false info in these sites. to a certain xtent, may b the site has some check methods- am not sure as to wat steps that involves,need to ask ym frnd who sits n spends day in day out of her time on this.but ya theres an option to report a profile as BOGUS if u feel somehting is rong with a particular profile.

ss said...

@ narayanan
5. bulding dreams- i guess girls tend to b that way. am not here to say if its rite or rong. but then,i somehow dont approve of that elderly person sending a mail addressing my frnd as a bahu.may b he cud wait till things take some shape.and as far as my frnd, she is been waitin for the rite eprson for abt 1.5 yrs now, so may she gets a little too xcited. i dont knw.

Sangeetha said...

Well these things do happen in any portal and not just Bharatmatrimony. The concept of these online portals however is not understood by many though. Contact details are given to people, only after their profiles have been verified. So its not that easy for false subscribers to misuse the service. As for the height crisis and other things, it could have been possible even when it is through a conventional portal. Those people who actually use the internet for such services, would be educated and they must always be ready to face such people and not build castles in air. Its all in the game.

ss said...

who is this? do i know you? and abt the post, i no where mentioned abt misuing ones contact details. i only talked abt faking details. and wat do u mean by this
"Those people who actually use the internet for such services, would be educated and they must always be ready to face such people"

do u mean to say such fraudulent ppl r not educated?
anyways thanks for dropping by

sudha said...

hey one of my cousin sister is registered with so called portal..she has faced similar kind of problems with the portal..ppl use these kinds of services only wen they dont have any options left..it quite natural for the ppl to get excited..all registered members are here for a serious business of wedlock...these portal shld make certain things mandatory like ..references of friends,medical certificates ..it shld be jus like a job search...the registered member shld give a clean cut resume of his/her and the service provider shld cross check all his details before he signs in for such services....these lil steps wud to a greater extent curtail the ppl who are misusing the portal...the provider shld bring in some kind of check...well written Subh..

sudha said...

the post here is not to pin point on any one particular portal...she is jus talking on the general threats the users face with such portals...it is ofcourse the provider shld take some responsibility in verifying the genuinity of the profile....wen they bash so much on the success stories they shld ofcourse do something on failures as well...then the services will ofcourse be a value added service!!!!

narayanan said...

hwaaaat ? medical certificates, references ? I cant believe someone wrote that. Now how are you going to verify if the medical certificate and references are indeed true ? The former can be faked by paying some money and the latter you can give people who can talk for you.

One thing that is possible to do is to make the signing up process in person than have it online. That solves the problem of genuinely searching category.

Sangeetha does have a point, when you are using a service (online or offline) you should be prepared for its limitations and problems arising out of it.

My parents used to say about a matrimonial service that was done in Mahalingapuram for more than 2 decades. They were non-profit. They ran on the money they got from the list they sell and the horoscope photocopies and if someone wants to donate, they can. But these days, its running for profit, services simply want to make money out of their subscribers. One service almost asked 3000 bucks for registration :-))) they are that money minded.

Shub, 1.5 yrs is nothing. I've seen people looking for more than 4-5 years. I dont think a person who is emotional and gets excited easily shud handle the situations. Emotions can easily cloud a person's judgement.

May I know what really took 5 months to find (if that is ok with you). IMO I find that time period too long to investigate about a person.

ss said...

@ narayanan
OMG, this comment section is gettin elaborate. anyways, medical certificates ellam eppdi help pannumnu enakku theriyalai.ur suggestion on making ths sign up in person seems to b good. but the paid services already follow that. andbtw, my post was to mainly talk abt faking things. where in i wanted ppl to avoid doing so and be smiply honest.
and ya the wait for 1.5 yrs is notthing?how do u say so? lets take the case of our tradition matching horoscopes, do we take that 1 yr time to even decide? so the 1.5 yr time here thru a online medium is slightly ona higer side, and if u say 4-5 yrs, then i guess one shud start their matrimonial search way earlier !and the emotional part ya agreed. one shudnt get too emotional abt it.and abt the 5 months time to find out abt the genuineness of the person, i guess my frnd "S" and that guy dint get much of a chance to meet up in person.. and"S" says the guy never made it to visit her home or speak to her parents but insited on meeting her alone. thats the story i knw.

ss said...

and btw, when n how did the discussion turn toiwards the credibility of the service providers when my whole post talked abt the ppl who r involved in faking things in their profile? huh!

sudha said...

@ Narayanan..my friend why nt the service provider cn tie up with good speciality hospitals to get the test done..jus as the way wen one signs up for a insurance policy u need to do the medical test done...why im i talking on tis well i hv a pt..one of my friend got a mailer request saying tat he has got HIV...well in tis case he has heen true enuf to disclose (though disgusting approach of finding a life partner in his dying stage)..but im talking on the those ppls who conceal and hide facts such serious medical problems...

and reference why nt a references...in an arranged marriage itself dont ppl do some kind of backgroung check on prospective groom/bride...valid reference from profile members work place ,schooling is possible..

Marriage search online or offline does require vital information on

The qualification,the job,the salary,and habits......these major chunk info u get in first hand in arranged marriage ....but in case of these site u dont get..and it takes a hell amount of time to do a background check..these thing will definatelt ease and regulate the the process to some extent!!

narayanan said...

hahaha..you've touched on a topic everybody has a say on. so dont really be surprised if it exceeds the length of your entire blog ;-)

coming to the point. what makes you think doing the process online makes it faster ? Maybe the initial intro part is where it saves time. The investigation, getting to know and discussion part still remains the same.

1 year to decide ? naan appadi eppo sonnen. you said waiting for the right person for 1.5 yrs right ? what i understood is: paaka arambichadhulendhu 1.5 yrs'nu.

the reason i mentioned abt online services part was for the monetary aspect. anyways its a seperate thread altogether. so fugged it.

ss said...

am sitting with my blog page open from noon..anyways its always nice to hear wat ppl have to say. u listen and thereby u learn too. and am not saying online search wud defntly take more time. its bound to b so, with introducing, background checking, so on so forth. iw as just a little taken aback wen us aid it shud take even 4-5 yrs..i dont think so nnu solla vanthen. i feel it is very much possible to finalise on a prospective bride/ groom in a span of 1 yr- provided someone has put in all the info on a honest way and all the blah blahs of backgrnd checking goes fine

ss said...

@ sudha
i am not too sure as to how medical certificates wud help..and gettina tie up wudnt b tooe asy i guess. but ya the reference part cud be of use.

narayanan said...

I have a question, do you pay for the medical test when you are signing up for insurance ?

one of my friend got a mailer request saying tat he has got HIV...well in tis case he has heen true enuf to disclose (though disgusting approach of finding a life partner in his dying stage)..but im talking on the those ppls who conceal and hide facts such serious medical problems...

Truthfully tell me, how many people would come forward for a medical certification. I bet many of them (especially girls) would get offended.

Regarding references, if you were to give your friend as one. Dont you think your friend tends to be biased and say nice things about you and conceal the not-so nice things. almost everyone who gets enquired tend to have the mentality 'oru nalla kariyam nadakkardha yein namba kedukkanum'. I feel people you havent moved around, but have seen and known you since you moved in give a lot more unbiased opinion than the ones you know or give as refs.

I dont think getting to know what the person is earning isnt that difficult when compared to finding what kind a person is.

sudha said...

hmmm.. may be a medical certificate will be too much to ask for..but reference ofcourse needed to be added to find abt the basic details of the prospective groom/bride rest it is to his/her n reepective parents discretion to to knw each other and decide!!!

sudha said...

Hey Narayana it was nice interacting..hope to catch u in more posts later!!

Sangeetha said...

Hey I never meant to say that fraudulent people are not educated. I am just saying people who actually use the internet for such matrimonial services, will definitely be educated and that they will have the mental make up to face such miscreants.

Clueless said...

theres been a whole lot of debate in your comments section

Praveen said...

Hey I do agree there are some backdrops because of these sites..But still it provides a way for parents n guys n girls to put in their criteria n taste and search accordingly na.Without havin to contact a third person it helps us to know something abt their family n all.So its a useful site..provided if we use it correctly!